Playing the Comparison Game
If you’re like me, you’ve compared yourself to another person at least once (or daily).
Many will say, “Don’t compare yourself” or “Keep your eyes on your own paper.” Well, I say they are wrong. Here’s why:
Comparison is a natural, gut instinct reaction. It leaps out at us like the jump scare in a M. Night Shyamalan movie without the decency of the creepy soundtrack to tell us it’s coming.
We can’t simply NOT do it, because it’s not an active choice we make in the first place. One minute we’re reading a great book or smiling for our friend’s good news or scrolling past announcement posts, and the next, that snake of comparison has slithered into our thoughts without an invitation.
Like any response, it matters what we DO with the comparison. Sitting with it, stewing on it, letting it fester and turn into envy…that I do not encourage.
But neither do I support this idea that we simply “shouldn’t compare,” because IT WILL HAPPEN. I find myself comparing with writers who aren’t even in the same stages as me. Comparing is not always my FIRST response, but the thoughts still pop up:
Ahhh! Congratulations! You have FIVE agent offers! That’s amazing! You’ve worked so long and so hard, and I love seeing people fall in love with your writing! (Wait. I didn’t have that many offers. Was mine not as good?)
An auction? AHHHHH! Yessss! Your book is going to be published! I can’t wait for readers to hear this story of your heart! (Wow. Six editors fighting for it? I didn’t have that.)
Yes! Your agent used a smiley emoji in responding to your email! (How many did mine use?)
Okay, maybe not that last one.
The point is, comparisons happen. They sneak in, but if the goal is to “keep our eyes on our own paper,” it implies that as soon as we have those thoughts, we’ve failed. We’re cheaters on a math test—the teacher caught us peeking at someone else’s paper and we have to lower our head in shame and spend the rest of the test sweating and hoping he knows we weren’t TRYING to steal answers.
If you’re like me, you’ve caught yourself comparing your work or experiences to someone else and then beaten yourself up for doing it AGAIN when you know it’s not helpful or productive.
But we weren’t trying to cheat! Our eyes just fell across the room and it…happened.
Comparing yourself to someone else is not a cause for shame.
After talking about this with a wonderful author friend, I’ve challenged myself to flip the script. My goal is not to AVOID comparing. If that’s the goal, I will fail. Instead, my goal is to identify and call myself out when I do find myself comparing.
“Wow. They already have 27 reviews on Goodreads. I only have 10….that’s a comparison.”
By calling it out and actively looking for when I compare, I train myself to stop at the top of the slide instead of when I’m halfway down the spiral of doom.
The next step is what to do after I’ve identified my comparison. Here are some strategies I’ve found helpful.
-pat myself on the back for identifying the comparison and stopping it from going deeper. I make it positive instead of a trigger for shame.
-write down three things I am thankful for. This has been scientifically proven to help rewire the brain.
-remove myself from the source of comparison. An alcoholic should probably not be hanging out in a bar in early stages of sobriety. Close the goodreads tab, mute someone on social media, delete the app. Whatever you have to do, protect yourself. Take control of the situation. I can’t stop myself from having the temptation to compare, but I can control what I do after it.
-share with an accountability buddy: “I was comparing myself to this person and feeling bad about myself, but I called it out and moved forward.” This honesty also helps build connections with others in the writing community. Too often we convince ourselves we’re the only one who struggles.
Comparisons seem inevitable. I don’t think I will ever achieve a level of writing where comparisons will stop, because there will ALWAYS be something to envy. I do, however, believe I can be set free from the shame of catching myself in the comparison game again.
